I've Never
by Lala to the power of 2
Summary: In which the Varia play a drinking game, and everyone learns far too much about each other's sex lives.


Spontaneous Crack Generation? _ME_? **NEVER**. *whistles innocently*

--

"I have never...." Fran began, thinking for a moment, "Given a blow job," he finished after a moment. In the circle of Varia members he sat in, three members took a drink- Levi raised his hand.

"Does that count women?"

Squalo rolled his eyes, returning his beer to the table after his drink. "You dumb-fuck, if he meant that he would have said 'I've never gone down on anyone!' You can't give a chick a blowjob, that's called eating her out!"

Marmon, next to him, ignored them both. "Well, I've never given _more than one_ blowjob. And it was for money, besides."

This time, only Lussuria and Squalo drank.

"I've never had sex with a man," Levi stated.

Aside from Squalo and Lussuria, Bel and Marmon also took drinks.

Squalo leaned back in his chair, thinking for a moment. "I've never.... Had sex with my boss."

Lussuria drank. _Only_ Lussuria drank. Everyone else stared.

The sun Guardian looked embarrassed. "N-not this one! With another guy! Who was my boss at the time that I had sex with him! Not- not BOSS boss!" He shoot his head, trying to regain his composure. "Anyway, you've all picked on me enough. It's you guy's turn to drink- I have never had sex with a woman."

He was almost right- Fran didn't drink, though, either.

It was Bel next. "But picking on you is more fun," he grinned. "I've never had sex with a man more than once."

Once again, Lussuria, Marmon and Squalo all drank. Fran rolled his eyes.

"You guys have to be more creative. Or at least less specific. Like, I've never had a homosexual encounter of any kind- that's more broad."

Assuming that counted as Fran's turn, as he was next, Squalo, Lussuria, Bel, and Marmon all drank. Levi raised his hand again.

"Does that count making out?"

"Of course it does, moron!" Squalo spat.

"Oh, it does?" Fran asked. "Oops." He took a drink, too.

"Stupid frog! You're not supposed to take a drink on your own 'I've never'!" Belphegor scolded.

"I guess I was _too_ broad that time."

Marmon went again. "I've never had sex with a prostitute."

Everyone but Fran and Bel drank, Bel laughing that princes didn't need to pay for affection. Fran furrowed his eyebrows.

"You guys know I've never had sex, right? Because at this rate, all of you are gonna be drunk and I'm just gonna laugh."

"It's more fun when the questions are perverted, though," Lussuria grinned.

"I've never..." Levi paused. "Prostituted myself. For actual money or just favors."

Marmon sighed, "Fair enough," and took a drink. So did Squalo.

Squalo scratched his head, realizing he was next. "I've never... Had sex with anything that was not a living human being."

Levi and Lussuria both drank. Fran raised an eyebrow. "Does that count masturbation?"

"Are you a living human being?"

"Yes..."

"Then there you go."

"Oh. What about inanimate objects? Do sex toys count?"

"I was thinking animals and dead bodies, so... Well, they aren't living humans, I guess..." Squalo thought for a moment. "Is it too late to rephrase the question?"

"Not really..." Levi frowned. "I don't think it matters if you do."

Everyone thought for a moment. Lussuria blinked, realizing something.

"It's my turn, right? I've never had sex with an animal."

There was a blank silence. Slowly, Levi picked up his beer and took a drink. Throughout the room there was a simultaneous groan of disgust.

Levi jumped to defend himself. "It wasn't like I wanted to! This guy bet me 400 bucks I wouldn't fuck a sheep, and- it's not like- Stop staring at me like that!"

Marmon frowned. "That means you DID have sex for money! Take two drinks to make up for _your_ question."

"Why two?"

"Because you had to make it up, stupid."

Being next in the circle, the prince took his turn."Anyway, aside from Levi's sick sheep love, let's move on." Leering at Squalo with a knowing grin, he confidently saying: "I've never had sex with Cavallone~"

Squalo did indeed drink. So did Lussuria.

Seeing this, Squalo looked at him in a simultaneously surprised and enraged manner that could have set the man's head on fire; and the queen quickly jumped to ask "Wait, _a_ Cavallone or THE Cavallone?"

Bel's grin fell. "Um. Any of them, I guess."

"Okay, then my drink stands." Lussuria said. After the clarification, the tension in the room eased back to normal.

Fran sighed. "My turn again? Um, I've never had sex with more than one other person in the room."

"Does it count if the third party is asleep or trying to ignore the engaged couple?" Marmon asked.

Fran rolled his eyes. "Sure, why not?"

Everyone but Fran took a drink.

"Really, guys? Man, you're all pervs."

"You're just still a brat," Levi countered. "I've never had sex with anyone in that brat calling himself the Tenth's family."

Squalo and Bel both took drinks, then exchanged an odd sort of look saying 'Well, I know who _I,_ but who did _you_...?'

"His entire family, or just the guardians?" Marmon asked.

"Uh, entire family."

The Arcobaleno took a drink, as well.

Lussuria frowned. "You know, Squalo, I don't see why everyone calls _me_ the pervert of the Varia- you've drank to pretty much every question that you yourself didn't ask!"

"He's right, come to think of it," Marmon added. "You're like Noah's Ark, except instead of two of every animal you've fucked once in every situation."

"What do you want me to say to that!? I get bored and horny at the same time a lot? I don't know how these things happen, they just do!"

"Say, Levi, do you remember if that sheep was a boy or a girl? Because if it was a boy you've got a lot of drinks to catch up, I think..." Fran questioned.

"Voi! I've had enough of this! All of you can go fuck yourselves!"

"Only if you don't beat us to it," Bel snickered.

"God damn it- you're right, I think it was male..."

From the other side of the room, a gun fired. "What the fuck are you scum doing? You're being too loud."

A chorus of "Nothing Boss," was the answer.

As the group scattered, more than one person could be heard muttering "I am never hanging out with you assholes again."

--

...And I would certainly never intentionally use no gender-specific pronouns on a certain character because I'm still not convinced of their actual sex. That would also be silly. *whistles innocently some more*


End file.
